I have not written in awhile. Usually I wrote after a session with Mistress Elura, but I am not seeing her any more. I still miss her, but I am content with training through Mystress World. It is realer. I am training with a domme, a Mistress Lela. I study lessons and do what she wants which includes daily a worshiping exercise and a note to her. We are planning to meet in February. To meet Mistress Lela in person is scary for me. I don't know how well I can handle her discipline. I think she will hit harder and longer than Mistress Elura. I probably should mention that I have come to realize my submissive feelings through this training. I developed a strong need to obey her and respect her authority and control. I hope the New Year is happy and fulfilling for you.

I am unsettled. I have begun training through Mystress World and I am still seeing Mistress Elura though I am not seeing her often. I think the training is good for me. This is more than playing with Mistress Elura, and it may help the situation with my wife which can use all the assistance I can get. I like seeing Mistress Elura. The sessions are good. I experience good feelings there. It is a good outlet, though I also of late have felt tremendously guilty because it is outside my marriage. I have not been able to stop going though. The sessions are an outlet for my feminine and masochistic tendencies.

The problem is that it is difficult to think about both at the same time. It bothers my stomach. They have requests for things for me to do that can be similiar to each other and at other times different. They both use masturbation exercises for example. I do not know which one to do first.

I have not mentioned the volunteering for awhile. Since the organization has employed a new social worker, I have not been involved in making decisions for the upcoming conference which bothers me, but at least there is another staff member I can still work with on other things, so I still have the feeling that I am doing something worthwhile.

I have changed my direction again. Now, it is fantasies of having oral sex with dominant females. This is a little disconcerting. I have gone from pain to normalcy to strong feminine feelings which led to cock sucking and now I want to go down on dominant women. I don't really know why I am changing so quickly, but maybe this latest change is more in tune with whom I am.

Now, something happened that did cause this change. There are certain feelings that I could not experience in sessions with Mistress Elura. Feelings that I can barely explain. I need to be dominated, have someone be strict with me and to push me. I can't explain the pushing. Mistress Elura is very nice to me, but she really is not strict with me though I have asked her to be in session.

I have found a site. I belive it is called Universe of Mystress World. I think I can experience more of my feelings with those women. So, I filled out a long application, sent a fee and was given an assignement for the interim. Whereby, on even days I observe women without making them uncomfortable and decide which one would order me to eat her. Then on the odd numbered day I send a description of the woman. I think I am finding this to be in sync with me.

I don't know where that leaves my sessioning with Mistress Elura. I can't figure out what there is left to do. I'll ask her.

Mistress Elura and I have moved in a different direction. In trying to do without the kink, my female feelings became much stronger. I am not really comfortable with the idea, but I had fantasies of wanting to be with a man as well as being feminine. I am not seeking a man; I am just kind of going with the flow of my feelings. I bought feminine clothing for myself and have been wearing those items around the house. My wife is away for awhile so I can experience my present self.

In session Mistress Elura had me wear a wig and I had a bra and lacey panties on. We spent most of the time with me sucking on a dildo. She was pleased that I learned to take it deeply without gagging though she said as a sadist she enjoyed my gagging. Mistress Elura also placed a plug inside my rear end. She talked about me being used by transvesites. How they could both use me at the same time. I got aroused, but I do not think it is something I want to handle, and she was probably not serious.

Mistress Elura gave me the wig to use at home this week, and she wanted me in full makeup and to purchase a dildo for sucking practice. She thinks that I will become a good sissy slave.

It was difficult dealing with the feelings that arose after the session. I felt bad. I felt that I had done something wrong and that I needed to be punished, but I am mostly over that now.

I could not deny very strong feelings that arose from me. The need to be feminine and to see Mistress Elura again. I bought a blouse and a bra which I am wearing and I have also been putting my lipstick on. I have a physical basis for the feminine feelings. I read about a man who has Kleinfelter's syndrome (That may be spelled wrong.) where he has an extra x chromosome. He has female feelings as well as male feelings. I have the same syndrome. The need to contact Mistress Elura I really cannot explain too well. I really needed to reach out to her; the feelings were and are that strong, but I immediately had a strong sensation of guilt, headaches and nausea. If I hear back from her, I'll see her during a week when my wife is away. I think that would be easier for me. I am sorry, I could not do anything else, but be myself I guess. I do not know what this means for the future. I think I have made a little progress with my wife, but we move so slowly.

I did cancel the appointment with Mistress Elura. I felt guilty about going to see her, and I felt closer to my wife, and began making an effort to be closer to my wife. Though immediately upon canceling the appointment, I felt much emotional pain since I no longer had an outlet for my feelings. After a couple days that need passed. What I do feel is sadness because I do not want to indulge in my former kinky pleasures, and I do not even want to wear lipstick which has been a given for a long while. I also miss Mistress Elura. She is a very nice person though not really in my life, and she was supportful knowing my reason for leaving.

It is not easy trying to improve relations with my wife. She is not an affectionate person and actually I have never seen anyone hug or kiss each other in her family. I have tried to cuddle with her more which she has grudgingly gone along with. Now, she wants us to sleep separately so that our lame dog can rest in our bed. What she wants is incredible to me and difficult to tell you. It makes feel adrift. Going through these changes and not being able to experience my new self with her.

Of course I don't know what lies in the future for me. If it never works out between my wife and myself, would I possibly go back to seeing a domme. Sometimes, I feel like going to the Max Fisch listing and picking someone else to fill the void within me. I also feel that I do not want to be with a domme right now, so we shall see what happens.

I find myself making some sort of mental/emotional movement toward my wife. And I find myself showing little interest in being kinky. Indulging in my little masturbation ritual of wearing lipstick and putting binder clamps on my nipples and testicles suddenly means nothing to me. I feel more like being with my wife, and I feel resistance to having a session with Mistress Elura. Before my previous session with Mistress Elura, I had felt guilty about going to see her. Now, it is a stronger feeling. I am wondering if I should cancel next week's session.