The Traveling Masochist

2012-01-07T07:37:00.000-08:00

I have not written in awhile. Usually I wrote after a session with Mistress Elura, but I am not seeing her any more. I still miss her, but I am content with training through Mystress World. It is realer. I am training with a domme, a Mistress Lela. I study lessons and do what she wants which includes daily a worshiping exercise and a note to her. We are planning to meet in February. To meet Mistress Lela in person is scary for me. I don't know how well I can handle her discipline. I think she will hit harder and longer than Mistress Elura. I probably should mention that I have come to realize my submissive feelings through this training. I developed a strong need to obey her and respect her authority and control. I hope the New Year is happy and fulfilling for you.

2011-12-11T12:52:00.000-08:00

I am unsettled. I have begun training through Mystress World and I am still seeing Mistress Elura though I am not seeing her often. I think the training is good for me. This is more than playing with Mistress Elura, and it may help the situation with my wife which can use all the assistance I can get. I like seeing Mistress Elura. The sessions are good. I experience good feelings there. It is a good outlet, though I also of late have felt tremendously guilty because it is outside my marriage. I have not been able to stop going though. The sessions are an outlet for my feminine and masochistic tendencies.

The problem is that it is difficult to think about both at the same time. It bothers my stomach. They have requests for things for me to do that can be similiar to each other and at other times different. They both use masturbation exercises for example. I do not know which one to do first.

I have not mentioned the volunteering for awhile. Since the organization has employed a new social worker, I have not been involved in making decisions for the upcoming conference which bothers me, but at least there is another staff member I can still work with on other things, so I still have the feeling that I am doing something worthwhile.

2011-11-18T16:28:00.000-08:00

I have changed my direction again. Now, it is fantasies of having oral sex with dominant females. This is a little disconcerting. I have gone from pain to normalcy to strong feminine feelings which led to cock sucking and now I want to go down on dominant women. I don't really know why I am changing so quickly, but maybe this latest change is more in tune with whom I am.

Now, something happened that did cause this change. There are certain feelings that I could not experience in sessions with Mistress Elura. Feelings that I can barely explain. I need to be dominated, have someone be strict with me and to push me. I can't explain the pushing. Mistress Elura is very nice to me, but she really is not strict with me though I have asked her to be in session.

I have found a site. I belive it is called Universe of Mystress World. I think I can experience more of my feelings with those women. So, I filled out a long application, sent a fee and was given an assignement for the interim. Whereby, on even days I observe women without making them uncomfortable and decide which one would order me to eat her. Then on the odd numbered day I send a description of the woman. I think I am finding this to be in sync with me.

I don't know where that leaves my sessioning with Mistress Elura. I can't figure out what there is left to do. I'll ask her.

2011-11-16T15:16:00.000-08:00

Mistress Elura and I have moved in a different direction. In trying to do without the kink, my female feelings became much stronger. I am not really comfortable with the idea, but I had fantasies of wanting to be with a man as well as being feminine. I am not seeking a man; I am just kind of going with the flow of my feelings. I bought feminine clothing for myself and have been wearing those items around the house. My wife is away for awhile so I can experience my present self.

In session Mistress Elura had me wear a wig and I had a bra and lacey panties on. We spent most of the time with me sucking on a dildo. She was pleased that I learned to take it deeply without gagging though she said as a sadist she enjoyed my gagging. Mistress Elura also placed a plug inside my rear end. She talked about me being used by transvesites. How they could both use me at the same time. I got aroused, but I do not think it is something I want to handle, and she was probably not serious.

Mistress Elura gave me the wig to use at home this week, and she wanted me in full makeup and to purchase a dildo for sucking practice. She thinks that I will become a good sissy slave.

It was difficult dealing with the feelings that arose after the session. I felt bad. I felt that I had done something wrong and that I needed to be punished, but I am mostly over that now.

2011-11-07T11:14:00.000-08:00

I could not deny very strong feelings that arose from me. The need to be feminine and to see Mistress Elura again. I bought a blouse and a bra which I am wearing and I have also been putting my lipstick on. I have a physical basis for the feminine feelings. I read about a man who has Kleinfelter's syndrome (That may be spelled wrong.) where he has an extra x chromosome. He has female feelings as well as male feelings. I have the same syndrome. The need to contact Mistress Elura I really cannot explain too well. I really needed to reach out to her; the feelings were and are that strong, but I immediately had a strong sensation of guilt, headaches and nausea. If I hear back from her, I'll see her during a week when my wife is away. I think that would be easier for me. I am sorry, I could not do anything else, but be myself I guess. I do not know what this means for the future. I think I have made a little progress with my wife, but we move so slowly.

2011-11-01T17:55:00.000-07:00

I did cancel the appointment with Mistress Elura. I felt guilty about going to see her, and I felt closer to my wife, and began making an effort to be closer to my wife. Though immediately upon canceling the appointment, I felt much emotional pain since I no longer had an outlet for my feelings. After a couple days that need passed. What I do feel is sadness because I do not want to indulge in my former kinky pleasures, and I do not even want to wear lipstick which has been a given for a long while. I also miss Mistress Elura. She is a very nice person though not really in my life, and she was supportful knowing my reason for leaving.

It is not easy trying to improve relations with my wife. She is not an affectionate person and actually I have never seen anyone hug or kiss each other in her family. I have tried to cuddle with her more which she has grudgingly gone along with. Now, she wants us to sleep separately so that our lame dog can rest in our bed. What she wants is incredible to me and difficult to tell you. It makes feel adrift. Going through these changes and not being able to experience my new self with her.

Of course I don't know what lies in the future for me. If it never works out between my wife and myself, would I possibly go back to seeing a domme. Sometimes, I feel like going to the Max Fisch listing and picking someone else to fill the void within me. I also feel that I do not want to be with a domme right now, so we shall see what happens.

2011-10-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

I find myself making some sort of mental/emotional movement toward my wife. And I find myself showing little interest in being kinky. Indulging in my little masturbation ritual of wearing lipstick and putting binder clamps on my nipples and testicles suddenly means nothing to me. I feel more like being with my wife, and I feel resistance to having a session with Mistress Elura. Before my previous session with Mistress Elura, I had felt guilty about going to see her. Now, it is a stronger feeling. I am wondering if I should cancel next week's session.

2011-10-05T10:49:00.000-07:00

It was a good session yesterday. It was much more satisfying than the previous time. All I felt was a need to submit, so Mistress Elura physically controlled me through the session. I could not move my hands and I had blinders on this time. There was much hitting. Whipping me with different implements . One made out of steel. She also had a couple pair of nasty metal nipple clamps which hurt a great deal. Mistress Elura also reused her electrical wand which worked out better this time since I could not prepare for its use, and it touched the tip of my penis which really was not such a terrible feeling. Sometimes, fear can get in the way. Overall, I felt quite well during the session and felt good afterwards. Mistress Elura considers me to be a masochist, but I questioned it which made her laugh. I thought a masochist considers pain to be a good feeling. For me pain hurts, but I feel good emotionally about the pain, so maybe that is a masochistic trait.

I felt some guilt yesterday before the session. I had not felt guilty in awhile. I do not see much that I can do about it. My relationship with the wife would have to change tremendously before I would consider stoppinng sessions.

I may have mentioned that myself and the organization I volunteer for are planning a conference. We are going to pitch the idea to a group soon, and I have to do some research beforehand and then do some talking myself. Should be interesting.

2011-09-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

I am sorry I have not been writing much lately, but I had to cancel a couple sessions with Mistress Elura because of complications at home. I saw her today though. I asked Mistress Elura if she could feminize me. She had me sit in a chair and tied my hands behind my back, and then brought out all her makeup. Mistress Elura gave my eyes a smoky look, and use pink color on my cheeks as well as my lips. The process relaxed me. For the remainder of the sessions my hands were attached overhead to a spreader bar. She put clothespins on my nipples and then used a wand to apply electricity to my body. I moved away alot when she seemed to go after the tip of my penis. Mistress Elura really should have blindfolded me. I am getting better at discussing my needs to her; being more open to my feelings than previously.

I think the relationship with my wife is a little bit better, but of course there is no room for kink in it.

My volunteering progresses. We are planning a sort of health conference for men next Spring. I can't give exact details. I would not want their media dept. to find it in a scan.

Hope all of you are well and had a good summer.

2011-08-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

I find that I am more interested in pain as a way to be sexual, specifically cock and ball torture. I have begun using binder clips on my penis and testicles. I can't keep them on too long, but I find the experience to be very arousing, and of course Mistress Elura will probably help me move in that direction.

2011-08-05T14:08:00.000-07:00

I finally had another session with Mistress Elura. She used a rubber nightstick on my ass which hurt a great deal. Mistress Elura applied binder cllips to my nipples and testicles. She also introduced me to electricity which stung my nipples and when applied to the tip of my cock caused me to almost jump off the surface I was laying on. She fucked me with a dildo too. Mistress Elura gently caressed me with gloves with pins in them.

It was a good session. It helped me to relax from a very stressful week. We talked in between activities. We spoke about my wife, how nothing was going on between us an d she suggested that I could be a bit more aggressive. I also told her that I had fantasies of meeting someone at a fetish munch and getting whipped and whatever. Mistress Elura also thought that might be a good direction for me.

Otherwise, I am still involved in volunteering for the nonprofit. I am helping planning a conference and I also make telephone calls for them.

2011-06-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

I had a special session with Mistress Elura today. We celebrated my birthday today by me receiving 56 hits on my back, while I counted and thanked her for each one. Mistress Elura carved a 56 on my back with a knife. While standing collared and in bondage, I sang "Dream A Little Dream Of Me," and of course if I made any mistakes, she quickly used the whip. I had binder clips on my nipples, but they did not bother me too much. I have been in chastity for about a month now, yet when I saw Mistress Elura, I did not think of asking her for an orgasm oddly enough, and I will not be seeing her for about three weeks. It is becoming a really strong feeling, and I am beginning to have sexual and kinky dreams. I do wear a device. It is made of leather. I had to hammer a couple of additional holes in it to make it more snug. I do not keep a lock on it, but I do wear it constantly. It keeps my mind off of masturbating. Oh, and I'll be singing another old song for her in the near future.

2011-06-12T11:33:00.000-07:00

The latest conversation between my wife and myself was unpleasant for me. It ended with her saying about the S&M, that "I am not doing that shit." I really feel sad that I cannot share my kinkiness with her. Maybe, we would have found a way to be intimate.

2011-06-08T16:54:00.001-07:00

I had another conversation with my wife. I told her that S&M was legal in this country. She laughed. I told her that it made me feel good. She said she would do it then. I said no that we had to handle our intimacy issues, but she was adamant about it, so we shall see what develops. If so, I would want her to meet with Mistress Elura to find out what it is all about especially from a dominant's perspective. Also, in the conversation I asked if I could go back to Mistress Elura for a session at Christmas. She said no to go to church instead. I said that I could do both. She laughed.

2011-06-04T11:15:00.000-07:00

I had a moment of doubt in regard to doing the chastity. I did not know why I was doing it and wanted to stop. Then, I realized that just because it was becoming more difficult was no reason to stop. Then, I felt better. Besides, I love the increased sexual feeling when I see someone who is really attractive.

2011-05-29T08:55:00.000-07:00

The highlight was Mistress Elura applying lip color to me with some kind of swab. She used a lip liner too. I was dressed in the maid's outfit with panties which was a surprise considering how wet I get during sessions. I also was wearing a nice heavy collar which she secured quite tightly. Mistress Elura applied a wicked pair of metal clamps to my nipples. I felt an intense burning sensation until she removed them. Mistress Elura attached me to cuffs on a swing bar and hit me with a whip that causes immediate intense pain on my ass. That was her prelude to my cleaning. I vacuumed around the dungeon and she started hitting me with that vicious whip and along we went with that continuous burning in my nipples. When I thought the session was over, she took me upstairs to the bathroom where I cleaned the floor.

I am supposed to be practicing with bindery clamps on my nipples since nothing hurts when clamps are removed from my nipples. I may be cooking and singing for her at our next meeting.

I had an open conversation with my wife. I had her relate a story about a man who was caught on film being whipped. I asked her if I could come back to Mistress Elura. My wife wanted to know if what she does is legal. Mistress Elura assured me that it is though certain activities are not.

Oh, I almost forgot, Mistress Elura would like me to be a maid at a party.

And this is my ninth day of chastity.

2011-05-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

My latest session with Mistress Elura was not so much an ordeal as the previous appointment with her and Mistress Viper. Most of the marks are gone. I am using a lotion for scars for the remainder. At the beginning of the session I asked Mistress Elura if I could try for an orgasm when I am at home, and happily she granted the masturbation. She put the usual clothespins on my nipples which surprisingly did not hurt later when she took them off. Mistress Elura had bought a new cat 'o nine tails (I think that is what you call it) which she used all over me. She gave a strong swing again my cock and balls catching the tip which I learned is a totally different pain, a new sensation for me. Mistress Elura inserted a couple plugs inside of me for a while while she whipped me. She decided to put lipstick on me for the trip home, but after I pleaded with her, Mistress Elura only put gloss on my lips which she said only made my lips shiny. To please her I never wiped the gloss off, but wore it while doing some banking and food shopping. I am now wearing a leather chastity restraint. The chains did not work out. One cut into the skin; another caused blister like marks on the skin. Mistress Elura said the chain looked cute though.

Nothing has been happening on the home front since I was concerned about my back, but I am beginning to want to make an effort with her at least to cuddle and see where that leads us.

2011-05-08T15:52:00.000-07:00

I did not realize it at first, but I think Mistress Elura and her friend Mistress Viper had too much fun with me because of the severity of the marks on my body.Mistress Elura used a special glove with like pins in the inside that really hurt when she gripped my chest leaving dozens of little marks on my left chest. I think it is slowly fading. My ass is black and blue finally does not hurt. There are streaks on my back that do, and feel like scratches which has me worried because I have sensitive skin. Usually my marks fade in a few days; I don't know how long it will take for these marks to heal. To her credit Mistress Elura has told me about a couple creams to buy.

The real problem is that I have to hide these marks from my wife, and what happens if I slip up, and she sees my chest or my back. For my chest I say that I stumbled and fell into the hedges. For my back I fell down the stairs. I did not want to mention either to her because she knows how awkward I am and she would never let me do anything again.

For my back there is a possibly more plausible story that I, missing the S&M, was hitting myself.

Maybe that would go over.

2011-05-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

I realized I have not mentioned anything about my life in awhile, other than the usual subject. I am waiting to begin my volunteer work with the cancer organization. I will be calling organizations seeing if they will accept our literature about free cancer testing, and maybe visiting an organization to speak to the members, so it looks like I will be doing challenging and meaningful work. The head man also liked my idea for a walk for prostate cancer which I think would be in September if it all works out. There always is a walk for breast cancer, but I am trying to see if there can be more attention given to a man's cancer while not taking away from the awareness of the mostly woman's cancer. This too is a challenge.

I have been doing some gardening work. I set some plants recently and did patch work on our lawn. I like working with plants. Taking care of them helps me to connect to my father who always worked in the garden and was a wholesale florist.

And otherwise, I keep reading though I have not found a really good book in awhile, and I keep in regular contact with my friends sometimes seeing them. I almost saw a play with my cousin's son, but the ticket for the mezzanine cost $190. So expensive! So much for the middle class.

Hope you all are well,

Dan

2011-05-04T18:12:00.000-07:00

I am wearing a homemade chastity device made from a length of chain and a small lock. Sometimes, it is uncomfortable as it can really dig into the flesh. I rode in a bouncy cab tonight, and could not find a comfortable position.

Well, Mistress Elura pushed me tonight. Not in the way I imagined, but still I had results. I had an image in my mind of something leather pushing me. Now, the image I hold of it is that the leather is frayed, torn in fact.

Before the session, she had me buy her a bottle of wine. I asked her for money. She wanted it as a gift, but after seeing what I had brought her, she relented.

Mistress Elura had a new associate there -Mistress Viper. She was quite merciless in flogging me. I do not think I was hit so much in a long time. It hurt. Mistress Viper respected my limit though. She was hitting me with something small which was quite nasty, and I could not take it any more and told her, so she switched implements.

I made the mistake of mentioning to Mistress Elura that I was interested in her scalpel and pinswhich she recently acquired. I stupidly mentioned that I was ready to try anything. This was while I had cuffs on my hands. She put pins through my nipples. The left nipple especially hurt since it is inverted. I think she pinned more of the skin instead of just the nipple. Then, Mistress Elura quite surprised me by running a pin through the upper area of my penis. Something that shocked me, but I later felt good about what she had accomplished. I have been quite scared about the upper penis area. Oh, and there was a great deal of blood underneath where I was standing. She liked seeing the blood.

The session ended with a little service. I just moved some stuff around in her closet.

Overall, it was a good session. Mistress Elura did push me though in my mind I need more I think. I need to be driven to meeting goals. I am having trouble meeting a couple of personal goals. One of which is quite important.

You must be wondering about the chastity device. You know that I am married. I am going to have to take if off every evening before I go to bed, so my wife does not see it. That may have disappointed Mistress Elura. Right now though my wife is away for the remainder of the week, so I will be keeping the chain on for a day and a half as instructed by Mistress Elura.

2011-04-20T17:03:00.000-07:00

I was obsessing over Mistress Elura. I felt strongly that I needed to please her. It took the form of sending her an email and waiting for a reply. The feeling of pleasing her would not lessen unless I received a reply. It was becoming difficult to handle. I did not want to send her additional emails because that would be unreasonable. Mistress Elura has other clients and of course she has a life, so I made the decision to focus on pleasing my wife which is more rational and of course necessary. Concentrating on my wife involves more work because I really have to think about what would make her happy. The obsessive feeling faded this morning. It has come back, but thinking about my wife's needs, makes the obsession a little concern rather than an overwhelming problem. I feel relieved.

I think I am moving in a good direction. The sessions are becoming therapeutic. Through my time with Mistress Elura, I am experiencing my needs and feelings. Also, I am learning how to focus upon my wife which may not have happened if I did not attend the sessions. Maybe, the two directions are more in harmony than I originally thought.

2011-04-18T17:44:00.000-07:00

Over the past few days I have come to realize some feelings. In my sessions with Mistress Elura, the play was fine, but the service training seemed to be lacking something. I realized that I needed a goal. At first I thought that I needed to be used by others, but what I really wanted was to be appreciated by my wife. So in a sense, I am doing the service training for her. I felt some resistance to the idea. I am not sure if I will be appreciated, but I will try. I also realized that sessioning would not be the only method used to improve my relationship with my wife. It would take better communication on my part. I mentioned to Mistress Elura that I needed her to be stricter, that I needed to be pushed. I had visions of something leather pushing me. I also can see the bottom of a woman's shoe from below which gives me a headache whenever I think of it.

2011-04-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

I am a little confused. I do not know why it is happening now, but certain feelings are coming up for me. I am feeling guilty with headaches. I think it is bothering me to keep anything as a secret from my wife. Whether it is Ms. Elura's service or buying a few dvds. The feeling is present when I think back upon my sessions. I tend to think about them alot because I generate good feelings after a session. I am still not able to do that in my marriage though I am trying. For example I pushed for cuddling between us last Thursday night, and am trying to push for it again tonight. I guess it is not romantic, but it still is nice. I have also felt a conflict within myself which is felt as headaches between my thoughts about Ms. Elura and her service and my wife. It is like I am holding onto them at the same time. Of course as pointed out by her we are not having an affair, but yet her service has been like a bright light shining on my life. It is good for me to reflect upon the sessions. And speaking about sessions, in this latest one Mistress Elura was treated to marinated steak fajitas with homemade guacamole and salsa, and I also sauteed peppers and onions in butter. She applied clothespins around my penis, and a few on the testicles. We really have not investigated the top of the penis. Only once with applying little animal shapes around the rim, but that scared me too much and she removed them. Some time was spent against her cross. She hit me with some sort of wooden paddle as well as a flogger. I like the flogger though there were some hard hits. I appreciate the hitting. I needed it. I cleaned her mirrors while dressed in rope Mistress Elura had tied around my body. My naked self had to go out in the hallway to clean the mirror in her bathroom. She removed the clothespins around my penis, but left one on my testicles which she removed at the very end of the session which hurrt a great deal. There may be a scalpel and pins, and also some sort of stapler in my future.

2011-03-22T17:11:00.000-07:00

I was very nervous when I arrived at Mistress Elura's dungeon. I was afraid that she would make me wear lipstick home. Mistress Elura did not give me an immediate answer. I handed her my "tribute," a couple pastries. She has a sweet tooth, and I live near a good bakery. She left me for a couple minutes while I took my clothes off and assumed my position, down on my knees and forearms with head down.

I had a question for her from my therapist. The question was how could my wife and I get more passion into our lives. Mistress Elura suggested by pampering my wife. So now, I am trying to figure out how to pamper her which is not easy.

She began hitting me with a flogger. Mistress Elura put numerous clothespins on my balls which made it difficult to sit on the floor. She also had a pair on my nipples. They have been growing more sensitive with time, and we did not use the strong clothespins that I had given her awhile ago. Mistress Elura used the flogger to knock off the clothespins. She hit me hard to get off the more difficult clothespins. Mistress Elura had me lay down on a cot. She came with a couple of plugs, one a little bigger than the other and placed each one inside my ass, and kept them there for awhile. Mistress Elura introduced me to the Hitachi wand which vibrated against my cock and balls. It felt really good. I have to get one for my wife.

On my way home, I felt sad, that Mistress Elura was going to leave me, feelings of abandonment you could say. That passed. Later, felt good. In fact the word for it that seemed to make sense was enlightened. I have been since living from a different level where I am living with a more positive and flexible attitude. Every day I feel good.

Next time I will be cooking for her again. Mistress Elura has not told me what I will be cooking for her as of yet. Oh, and I forgot to mention I did wear lipstick home, but by the time she told me I would be doing so, I felt ready.

2011-02-27T09:49:00.000-08:00

My therapist feels that my wife is too prudish to observe a session. It may not be a direction my wife would want to move in. I have suggested to Mistress Elura the possibility of a more conservative environment which could mean she could be in regular clothes, myself would be dressed and possibly at least initially we could meet outside the dungeon, but of course I have not spoken to my wife. The time when she found out about my seeing Mistress Elura. She understood it as my having an affair, and I think she sees Mistress Elura as sort of competition, the other woman. My therapist in a note to my wife explained to her that Mistress Elura was in a committed lesbian relationship and had no interest in me, and that I desired my wife which led to a brief period of intimacy between us.

I have been able to be open with my therapist, and she knows in detail everything that I have done in session. She also has tried to understand the origins of why I like to be hit or played with. She asked me if I had ever been abused. I have not. Around puberty I remember a vague dream of women doing something to me, and I used to have fantasies of women catching me in department stores. They may have been forcibly feminizing me. It's hard to say, it is so long ago. I secretly wanted to be tied up by my sister's girlfriend. Later while in college, I found a newsstand that sold The Fetish Times and identified with images of men suffering at the hands of women. Then I found the Times Square porn stores that had an abundance of female domination magazines and newspapers. I eventually tried domination over the phone. Can you imagine 4 or 5 dollars a minute! I did eventually have phone session with one woman from Connecticut on a regular basis. I stopped after awhile. I tried live once going to a house that had a few women, it was cheaper than other services, and to this day I still have scars on my inner thighs. Mistress Elura was not happy when she saw the scars. My wife has never noticed. That brings us up to about the present. When I started the blog, temporarily joined a nice online community and then I realized I had to do something to handle my desires and I soon contacted Mistress Elura which is stated previously in the blog.

2011-02-17T06:15:00.000-08:00

Mistress Elura raised the possibility of bringing my wife in to observe a session. I do not know how to raise the subject. My wife considers S&M to be an x-rated activity and also thinks that it is in my past. I cannot wait for the possibility of it appearing in the media.

I felt quite good after my session with Mistress Elura. I felt a lightness. By the time I stepped out of the subway though, the guilt hit pretty hard, but it passed. I felt good that night, almost too good, it was an almost an unbearable feeling. A good outlet for these feelings is to assume my position down on knees and forearms.

The session itself was painful and enjoyable. I was apprehensive about having clothespins on my nipples again, but I managed alright. She also adorned my cock and balls with several clothespins, something she has not done in a long time. Mistress Elura whacked my ass with a wooden paddle which hurt a great deal. I did some cleaning for her, while she ate the food that I prepared for her - broiled salmon, grilled asparagus and a rice mixture. Plus, there were a couple desserts from a bakery. My favorite part of the evening in my memory was when she put lipstick on me. Fortunately, Mistress Elura did not make me wear it home. I told her she was too kind. She seemed to have mixed feelings about that remark.

Mistress Elura was concerned about my weight, the excess fat hanging around my body, so I have commenced to exercise again, something I stopped because of all the snow and ice we had here. I am also focused on my diet. I use Weight Watchers point system.

We are going to explore chastity. I have an abnormally small sack, but she says with steel there will not be a problem with slippage. Mistress Elura said that she would trust me with a key in case there is a chance of intimacy with my wife.

I hope that all of you are well.

2011-01-30T10:28:00.000-08:00

I am going to see Mistress Elura on the 15th. I have a strong desire to serve her, and I will be cooking something beforehand for her. She told me to be creative. I moved again in this direction because the marriage has stalled. We have not been making any progress for awhile. I really liked my experiences with Mistress Elura. I have many fond memories. She is a good professional.

I mentioned a couple of entries ago that I might be volunteering for a cancer organization. Well, I heard from them, and I am going to a new volunteer's meeting this Wednesday.

2011-01-16T08:20:00.000-08:00

I was uncomfortable this morning with writing to you because of course it brings up feelings, both bad and sad I guess. We seem to have reached a dead end with the intimacy. She uses the excuse that is too cold which brings me down. I find myself thinking more of my experiences with Mistress Elura. Initially, I thought this was no answer to my problem with my wife, but I have since moved beyond that in my thoughts. My memories of her are starting to feel real. Nothing else is new. I exercise, play the piano and keep in touch with friends. I hope you all had a happy Christmas and New Year.

2010-12-21T17:36:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since I have written. I have been busier. I guess the most important thing is that I feel closer to my wife though our times being intimate are growing infrequent, but we are talking about it which is good.

I may be doing some volunteer work for a cancer organization. The regional manager in my area has contacted me, and I am waiting for her to give me the names of local people who volunteer for this organization. I think this might be a good move for me.

Otherwise, I am keeping busy at work. I am attempting to design an advanced Excel class. We teach an introductory class. I am also reading up on legal research for two goals. Maybe, I could develop that into a course and second to make myself more marketable. I am updating my resume and am looking at improving my skills with the hopes of getting hired somewhere else. Of course I realize how bad the economy is, with one in ten being unemployed over here, but I am not making any rash moves. I also have some security in my present position.

The house is decorated inside and out for Christmas. We have plans for seeing family both for Christmas and New Year's. I have done a better job at buying presents for my wife than I have in previous years. I wonder if she will notice the change.

Otherwise, I wish you the best. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Dan

2010-11-20T16:34:00.000-08:00

With my wife away, and myself on vacation, thoughts of past experiences with Mistress Elura came to mind. It was the perfect time to book a session with her, but I didn't. I filled my time with movies*, eating out and going to a new museum. Even now though I can think back upon good memories of my sessions with her, I think I didn't contact her is because I feel closer to my wife. I even miss her presence though we are in contact almost every day through the phone or seeing her with Skype. Also, my therapist observed that I bought her better presents for Christmas this year. (Yes, I shop early.) I guess I am doing okay and am moving in a good direction for myself. I find that I do not want to even fantasize about being dominated. Of course there is nothing wrong with fantasy, it is just what is going on for me right now.

*I thought Made In Dagenham was a pretty good movie.

2010-11-04T14:09:00.001-07:00

I find at this point I am closer to my wife and don't need the services of a professional domina. Even in my fantasies I find that I don't want to be dominated. I guess in the long run, though it seemed infrequent, our attempts at affection and intimacy have made a difference.

In other news I have adopted a soldier which means I am writing to a soldier in Afghanistan. I had read an article about how hard it is on my nation's soldiers overseas and those who have returned, that I determined what I could do to offer support, so I decided that sending letters and sending packages was something I could handle.

2010-10-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

I am thinking of going back to having a session with Mistress Elura. It has become a strong feeling again, and I am beginning to save my money for it.

It is not working out between my wife and me. I am not receiving the affection that I need from her, and the time spent being intimate is spread farther apart. It has been two weeks since we have tried to be sexual. I need to be touched or to touch her often, even if we are just holding hands. There is something lacking in our communication too. We are seldom nice or compliment each other.

And what do I receive from Mistress Elura which becomes so important to me? I do get to be played with, touched through hitting, and experience pleasing her through cleaning, cooking and once being hit extensively by her. She is nice, and is supportful in the session. Because of the sessions, I feel good, I guess about myself. This is a feeling that I seldom experience with my wife.

I am still trying to work things out with my wife. I see a therapist who gives ideas, but it is a little difficult when my wife refuses to come in to see the therapist too. We are not working together on enhancing our relationship, so it tends to stay stuck in one place.

2010-09-29T17:14:00.000-07:00

I think we are getting used to being intimate. The intimacy is making a difference in my life anyway. Last week the intimacy sessions were a week apart. It was not enough for me. I began to have flashbacks to my sessions with Mistress Elura and had mentally planned my next session, but this week going back to Mistress Elura does not feel so necessary. Maybe, I am growing closer to my wife, and I am probably going through a transition. Last week I kept hoping to see an email from Mistress Elura though we had emailed our good byes. This week the need to hear from her is not so urgent.

I have learned from my wife to let her take the lead in planning our intimate time together, so she does not get headaches, be tired, get ill, etc. She is probably going through a change too, and so I have to be patient, but it is difficult for me since my kinky desires rise when I am not satisfied otherwise. I guess I satisfied some of my needs through S&M. It may be that the intimacy does a better job of meeting my needs. We shall see what happens. Just discussing Mistress Elura here is making me shake inside.

Otherwise, I have my other activities. I play the piano, exercise, read and help with the maintainence of the house.

2010-09-18T08:49:00.000-07:00

I feel sad and I am not sure why. It is difficult to connect to the feeling. I think it may have more to do with what I did to my wife rather than leaving Mistress Elura. What happened is that I saw my therapist who was not taken aback at my visiting a domina. She knew that I had been frustrated in my marital relationship, so the therapist wrote a note to my wife. Basicly saying that I was sorry about what happened and that I craved affection and intimacy with my wife. So that night my wife was willing to be intimate with me. Immediately, I found that the S&M meant less to me, and that I did not miss Mistress Elura as much. I suppose it is possible for me to become closer to my wife. The only aspect that has been unfortunate is that all the stress of the last few days has been felt in my back which has stiffened and causes me problems when I try to walk.

2010-09-12T09:08:00.000-07:00

If you have never been on a cruise, I would recommend going. We could eat as much as we wanted. The staff was very friendly and pampered us. There was a large gymnasium with many machines and sauna and hot tub. There was a large casino. Some of us had rooms with balconies. There were different music options in the evenings. There were hundreds of chaise lounges outside. I got used to getting up at 6 am every day and walking around the track that was near the top of the ship. We usually ate in one of two restaurants. Plus, there was a steakhouse. There was another option. There was also a buffet where people actually waited on line for food. You could also get snacks like pizza 24/7. The cruise did not cost too much. It was five hundred and change for five days, coming home the morning of the sixth. I had spent an extra $300 on purchases such as alcohol, coffee and souvenirs.

Now, my wife is still upset, and she is looking for more information from me about the sessions. She likes the service oriented activities, and it looks like I will be doing more housework which I do not mind since I want to please her. She did check with me to see if I wanted a divorce which I said was not the case. I did mention that Mistress Elura appreciated the work I did for her while my wife never mentioned mucn of anything, other than telling me what my work lacked. My wife wants me to speak to my therapist about the S&M experience and see where we can go from there.

I find myself moving through a transition where I find that whereas I was performing activities for Mistress Elura and myself, I now find I have to choose what activities I still want for myself. Making this choice is difficult because sad that Mistress Elura is no longer in the picture. At least she gave me a nice note after I emailed my good bye.

It made sense to continue the exercise. I like masturbating while wearing clothespins, and I will probably continue to cook, and I already mentioned the cleaning.

By the way recently I read a very good book. Little Pink House:A True Stroy of Defiance and Courage by Jeff Benedict The setting is in the U.S., but anyone can relate to it. The book is about one woman's battle against the local government who is trying to take her property and that of her community to use for a development. Here in the states we call the process of taking the property eminent domain, but I am sure there are other names for it elsewhere.

2010-09-07T07:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I am afraid the S&M phase of my life is over, at least for the immediate future. I was careless and my wife found out. She was angry. The disclosure only came a day after she found out that I had started a union protest at work, so she had just gotten over that, when she saw me typing away in Blogger.

I am missing Mistress Elura. It is sad. I think I learned much from her, and nejoyed the cooking, vacuuming and cleaning while always wearing those damnable clothespins. She was an interesting person to know, and I wish her the best of everything.

My wife and I have spoken about working on the marriage. She feels that I am the only one who has to work on the marriage since I have not done a good job with the communication and going my own way. I see it aas an opportunity to work on our intimacy problems which seem insurmountable, but we shall see what happens.

I am on the second day of my cruise, and having a pretty good time. I am here with nine of my cousins. We are traveling to Nova Scotia and Newfoundland. This is my first cruise ever. I find it beautiful to look out on the water. Tommorow we dock at Halifax, Nova Scotia.

My life is a little sad right now, but I think everything will be okay.

2010-08-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

I began the session on my hands and knees with Mistress Elura seated nearby. She checked to see if I was making progress with my home exercises.

Next, I presented her with a Mexican Dinner. Mistress Elura especially liked the homemade guacamole and salsa.

Then out came the maid's outfit and vacuum cleaner. There were specks of plaster on the floor which spread through a wide area. She applied clothespins to my nipples which hurt horribly during the cleanup. When Mistress Elura finished eating, she commenced hitting me with a heavy riding crop while I continued to vacuum. When I finished my work for the night, she took off the clothespins leaving me to cringe in excruciating pain.

Mistress Elura is interested in testing my baking skills, so I will be making today a vanilla bourbon pudding cake. I had suggested using a box which generated a hard slap.

I find that I am more interested in pleasing her, and it is an arousing feeling. Mistress Elura thinks that I am getting more in touch with my service side, which is bring up the need to please.

2010-08-08T11:37:00.000-07:00

I have made progress dealing with the after session sadness. I realized that when I felt sad it was because I was not with Mistress Elura. So this time around, I tried to keep aware of my feelings, and when the sadness begins, I use an affirmation such as, "I don't need her today," instead of a general feel good affirmation and it helps.

2010-08-05T19:10:00.000-07:00

After vacuuming Mistress Elura's dungeon and cleaning her bathroom, I had begun to clean more at home. Initially, I think I wanted to show Mistress Elura my value as a service slave. Then she presented the idea of my wanting to please my wife through learning from my wife how to clean well at home. I have started to pursue this idea though I have mixed feelings about it since there are intimacy problems in the marriage, but who knows, maybe it will help us.

Otherwise, I received a good flogging. I found I was able to relax, and we talked during the whipping.

Then while on my knees with head bowed, I presented Mistress Elura with her dinner that I had cooked earlier in the day, chicken nicoise (a type of olive), a pasta dish. I was not allowed to speak unless spoken to, a directive which she reminded me while she cruelly twisted the clothespins on my nipples. Next time, Mistress Elura will be dining on Mexican food, specificly quesadilla with homemade guacamole and salsa.

I have found that my feminine feelings have lessened. I think that I have gone as far as I wanted. That unless I come out, there is no reason for more clothing. I think that I always will have a lipstick fetish even though that need has diminished.

I have not wrote about anything nonkinky for awhile, and wanted you to catch up on what has been happening in my life. I participated in a recital in June, playing the piano, fortunately receiving applause. I am studying impressionism in art through lectures on dvds. In September I will be leaving on my first ever cruise to Nova Scotia and Newfoundland. Socially, I am focusing on inviting people to our house. I have invited a games group from work to play outdoor games like croquet and bocce, and indoor to play ping pong and pool It has been a long time since I have entertained.

2010-07-23T15:45:00.000-07:00

The session began with a good thrashing. Mistress Elura wanted to make sure that I can handle a certain level of pain. Whatever she used on my body (back, ass, thighs) was made of rubber which is not my favorite for being hit, but I did not pick the toy. Then came out the maid's outfit. With some cleaning equipment I was sent to the bathroom where I cleaned the sink, toilet and floor.

So far, I like being a service slave. It seems to be a good direction for me, a good outlet for submissive feelings. This is the result of my writing about being used, and voicing the need to Mistress Elura.

Next time, I will be preparing and serving dinner which will be a meal of her choosing. I will prepare the food at my home and bring the food to her dungeon.

I find that I have certain ambitions for service-oriented work. In myself is the feeling that I want to be used so much that I cannot go back to being who I am. If I got to the point where Mistress Elura could consider using me in her home to clean and cook and to be loaned to kinky or understanding friends to assist them with their household duties or perhaps even trying out toys on my body, I might be able to meet that need.

This brings forth questions of whether Mistress Elura could feel that she could trust me and whether I am mentally and emotionally stable enough to be really used.

On my behalf, in regards to mental health, I feel no attachments to Mistress Elura. I neither feel I am in love with her or have a crush on her. I do not even think I am attracted to her (no offense meant). She is not there for that reason. Mistress Elura is the facilitator who is helping me explore my submissive feelings.

As for trusting me, that is a more difficult issue. I have shown that I am reliable and that I do a pretty good job of following her commands, protocols, guidelines, etc. I think there is more to consider though. Mistress Elura I think has to know that I can do my tasks and at the same time limit my impact on people's lives. What can that mean? Don't be a pest, nosy, try to leave things where I find them, over friendly, etc. Also, I would have access to their possessions. I would have to be trusted that I would not take anything.

I think what I have written here is possible, but it probably is a course of action that is for the far off future, if at all.

2010-07-18T11:21:00.000-07:00

I felt different today. All of a sudden I had become more accepting of Mistress Elura's control. I felt more relaxed than I had at the beginning of the weekend. Friday I was sad because I realized that my experience with Mistress Elura had filled an empty part of my life, but yet I have to deal with the emptiness every day. Saturday, I was too anxious to see her, not being able to think of much else. And Sunday I find myself dressed solely in my blouse with makeup on; a little bit more quiet in my self than usual.

2010-07-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of me vacuuming the dungeon in a maid's outfit. Unfortunately, the photo had to be cropped so you do not see my face. This is probably about half the space in Mistress Elura's dungeon. The cot and the St. Andrew's cross are further back than they look in the photo, and there is some space behind me as well.

2010-07-09T18:05:00.000-07:00

I traveled to Mistress Elura wearing my new cock ring as per her order. After I arrived and assumed my position, she explained that she wanted more of a service oriented session, so she dressed me in a maid's outfit, made me put my lipstick on, and I commenced to vacuum the dungeon. Mistress Elura has a rather large dungeon. I must have vacuumed for at least a good hour. She had applied clothespins to my nipples which really hurt after awhile. When I was done, next came the window cleaner and paper towels and I cleaned her mirrors. Mistress Elura said I was a meticulous worker though I forgot to put one item back that I had moved away and received a couple good swats for it, so fortunately I was hit. For my good work I received a toffee from her.

Mistress Elura wants me in my position on my knees and down on my forearms, I think as soon as I am undressed now. I am to wear my cock ring for two hours a day. It's made of leather, and it is adjustable. I feel that she takes control of more and more of my life outside the sessions as more time is consumed directly with things Mistrerss Elura wants, and indirectly through improvements I make on my own which I do for her as well as for myself such as exercise or studying art.

2010-07-03T16:10:00.000-07:00

Mistress Elura had asked me how many times have I seen her in session. I said at least ten. Mistress Livia said that I was loyal, but it is not enough to say that. I mean I guess I am loyal. I am not looking anywhere else, but it is more than loyalty because it is based on good communication from me attempting to tell Mistress Elura my needs and her listening and understanding those needs and acting upon them. Without this communication between us I would not be able to work with her, and maybe not her with me.

2010-07-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

I am well marked from the practice hitting session yesterday for Mistress Elura's protege Mistress Livia. The night began with Mistress Elura flogging me while we both waited for the trainee to arrive. They gave me quite a beating which lasted for more than an hour. Mistress Livia learned quickly which was unfortunate for my ass and thighs.They both used a variety of toys and did not show much mercy except when a position grew too uncomfortable for me. The worst pain endured was when Mistress Elura mummified me and struck me a few times with the single lash whip. That really hurt. At one point both of them applied clothespins to my nipples. I appreciated that attention and still do in my memory. The evening ended with the use of fireplay on my back which resulted in one loud yell from me. Mistress Elura let the flame burn an instant longer though there was no mark left on me. Getting dressed, I realized how good I felt about the session. By the time I was home I was quite tired, but really aroused, and was so this morning too. I would say Mistress Elura went a little past what I was used to handling, but I appreciated it all the same.

In other news Mistress Elura had me buy a cock ring as a beginning for chastity. I am practicing
my position on my knees and forearms to try to relax more, I also enjoy it and appreciate the weight of her legs upon me while in that position. Early this morning I went swimming at the gym. I never changed my clothes so fast and angling myself so that no one hopefully could see my stripes.

2010-06-26T16:32:00.000-07:00

Mistress Elura and I had a talk. I had a difficult time explaining myself, but I did get the two points across that I was interested in slave training, and had a strong desire to be used. The session began with a lesson in presentation, as I learned to be in position on my hands and knees, while she rested her foot on me. The memory of being her foot stool still makes me feel good and really aroused. While on my hands and knees, Mistress Elura tried some bondage, but had to release me because I had trouble with a hip muscle.

She had me stand and tied my hands high on a hanging chain. Mistress Elura also put binder clips on my nipples and threatened to tie them to the chain. Then proceeded to hit me with a few different paddles, and a sort of rubber strap. I was left with some interesting marks.

Afterwards, Mistress Elura had me lay down on my back as she plucked out all my chest hairs. I did not have many hairs, so it was not as bad as it sounds. That act plus the recent carving of the letter E helps me to feel powerless and in her control. It is not a bad feeling to be controlled.

If our schedules mesh, Mistress Elura may use me for an apprentice domina to practice her hitting which leaves me feeling nervous, but I trust her. There was some talk of further usings, but for now my time is limited, so we shall see what happens.

2010-06-19T06:58:00.000-07:00

Suddenly, when thinking about visiting Mistress Elura, I felt lethargic. Manhattan seemed too far away. I did not understand this change, so I began to examine my feelings. I felt bored. I did not think that there was any sense of direction anymore in the training, that we follow the same routine in a session. I think I need to feel that I am working towards a goal. Plus, I have to try to work with the very strong feelings inside of me. I do appreciate all the diffeerent things I had tried, the cbt, mummification, bondage and the hitting with all her different implements, but now I need more. Perhaps, a more intensive training would suffice. Slave training comes to mind. I want or need to be trained by a domina for her purposes. I need to be used. However, I realize I am confined to the session and may never be trained to be used by her. Perhaps, a wish like this is more suited to a personal relationship.

2010-06-15T06:57:00.000-07:00

After Tuesday's session, I became profoundly sad, but this time I did not pull out of it, and became depressed instead. The depression was really bad on Sunday. I had to do affirmations to stabilize. I still feel a little sad. I know it is not based in reality. I keep feeling that I am never going to see Mistress Elura again. I had to say to myself over and over again that I would be seeing her. The good/bad news that came out of this is that my wife noticing the depression became concerned and is much more affectionate with me, which is good for us, but comes at a bad time since I have marks on my body. She gave me a back massage Sunday night, and I could still feel a long scratch from Mistress Elura's steak knife which she used to carve a big E on my back. Now, there is a chance my wife could see the black and blue marks on my rear end. I try to make sure it is dark in the bedroom, all lights off, romantic as I tell my wife.

2010-06-11T04:58:00.000-07:00

I have an underlying feeling that I can't do anything about. I want to be used by a domina for her purposes. I want to be taken so far along the process of being enslaved that I can't go back to who I was. This feeling has felt very uncomfortable until I learned to express it. I have the feeling that it probably is unethical for a professional domina to do this. The professional is there to realize your needs within your session time nothing more. For me it has been a loss of control plus some pain and marks. I like and appreciate the marks on my rear end though I am not sure about the big E (Mistress Elura's initial) that she engraved with a steak knife on my back. Three days after our session I can still see it. She was happy with it. Maybe, that is enough.

2010-06-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of me in what Mistress Elura called restrictive bondage. I could barely move without being in excruciating pain because of the way she tied my poor penis. If you look closely, you can see the binder clips on the nipples.

2010-06-06T11:31:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here in full makeup wearing my yellow blouse. I could not have made this change without Mistress Elura's help. There are days when I do not feel like performing my daily assignments: masturbation twice a day, binder clips on my nipples, penis and testicles. Other days I feel good as I prepare myself to handle more pain for when I am with her.

2010-05-27T19:20:00.000-07:00

In Yesterday's session Mistress Elura tied me in intricate bondage from my tightly bound cock up to just below the neck. I soon learned to move carefully, if not I would yell in pain. She applied my lipstick and eye makeup to my face and then took photographs which may eventually show up here. That would be a first for this blog. Anyway, I traveled home wearing my makeup. I kept my head down reading a book, so for the most part I could not tell if anyone noticed me. Today, thinking back on my encounter, I felt fine though a little sad that I was no longer there, and wearing the eye makeup made me feel contented.

2010-05-14T07:51:00.000-07:00

Actually, Mistress Elura felt that my doing things for myself rather than for her as progress. I was introduced to a single tail whip (not too heavy) which burned. I had bought a blouse from Macy's. I brought it in to session to show her. She liked it and was impressed that I found my size. Mistress Elura had me wear it home under a partially opened jacket and I wore my lipstick too.

2010-05-12T18:10:00.000-07:00

I had different feelings in my head tonight. Instead of feeling that I was doing things for her, I was doing them for myself. I felt a little disillusioned.

2010-05-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

Mistress Elura was pleased that I did so well taking a beating. I am happy she is pleased, and look forward to pleasing her again. I traveled to her by bus, subway and walking through a crowded Manhattan wearing red lipstick, not many people seemed to notice. Otherwise, I recently felt a strong fear of being rejected by her. I could not understand it because she had done nothing to cause it, but Mistress Elura thought that the fear was connected to my need to please her. Oh, before I forget she used paddles for the beating (ie leather, rubber, wood, metal). I hated the rubber.

2010-04-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

I went back to wearing lipstick. I mentioned it to Mistress Elura, and she had me buy a red one. She put it on me, and then had me suck a dildo for my first time. She said I took it like a pro. Even though she let me take the lipstick off, Mistress Elura told me that sometime in the future, I would have to wear the lipstick on the street. Today, I took the initiative, and decided I was going to wear lipstick outside the home, and I walked around the block. Later, I took a longer walk. I felt good about doing it. I was doing it for her, but also for me since I like wearing lipstick.

I also became acquainted with her riding crop. It stung. Being hit in real life is sure different than a fantasy.

Um, let's see what I don't want to talk about. She eventually wants me to suck cock. I had thought about it and told her in the long run that I think I could do it for her. She told me that she definitely wanted me to do it. She thinks it would be good for me.

2010-04-22T17:22:00.000-07:00

Here's something Mistress Elura sent me lately. Maybe it gives you an idea of the direction that I am headed in.

Thank you for the lovely emails. I am quite pleased with the progress in your training. For having only sessioned twice now, you show great promise. That you embrace my control and obey my wishes in order to better yourself for me is a beautiful thing.

I also gave her some home baked cookies which she really liked. I would like to share the recipe with you. It's easy.

The ingredients:

1 stick butter
1 stick margarine
1 egg yolk
3/4 cup sugar
2 cups flour

I soften the butter/margarine in the microwave for 20 seconds. If more time is needed, then I'll set the microwave for 5 second intervals. You don't want the butter melted just softened.

Mix all the ingredients together. I mix by hand, using a heavy wooden mixing spoon. It does not take long.

Place the finished dough in the refrigerator for at least an hour.

Then roll out the dough. Shape your cookies. I press a small cordial glass into the dough. My cookies are boringly round, but serve the purpose.

Place cookies on an ungreased baking tray. Preheat the oven at 350 degrees and bake until lightly browned.

Enjoy!

2010-04-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had my second session with Mistress Elura. What got to me was the fire play. She asked me about it, and after a little trepidation I said okay. I had trusted her so far so I decided to keep on trusting her. It was a good thing I was tied down; I think I would have jumped off the table. I was in good hands though. It was hot, but there were no burns. I also received a pretty good whipping. I had told her I thought I was ready to be hit with more than her hands. She used three different whips. One had metal tips. The worst was the smallest. I am sorry I can't tell you the names for the different whips. They did hurt, but I appreciated the whipping later. As I appreciated other activities such as her anal penetration of me. I do not know why that means so much to me, but it excites me even now. The feelings are getting easier to handle. There are two main feelings. The need to please her and feeling I am doing things for her. These are more positive now. Though, they can still be strong. A wonderful good feeling of her last night kept me awake for most of the night. Also, Mistress Elura explained the sadness to me. It is the down side after the high of the session. I may see her on Saturday. Then, I am back to a two week schedule. I think this is a good direction for me. I am excluding the wife for now. I have toyed with the idea of asking her if I could see a dominant professional, and maybe try to get her to come along, but I don't know how that would go over. I really do not want to ruin what I have now with Mistress Elura. Besides sadistic, I find her to be nurturing.

2010-04-15T08:02:00.000-07:00

I feel so out of control. Giving into desires I guess. She has me applying clothespins to my nipples on my own time. This was something I had stopped because I did not feel like doing it myself, but she stressed it as important, so now I can't help myself. I also find myself masturbating a few times a day, where previously it may have been every two weeks. I blamed the latter on my prostate medication, but now it seems more like attitude. I have also felt a great need to please her. Sometimes, this is uncomfortable, but once I start moving around, taking care of things, the feeling is not as strong, manageable. Last night I felt a profound sadness. I don't know if it is because my wife is away, I have gone outside the marriage, or it is a deep issue. I still feel sad now.

2010-04-13T09:43:00.000-07:00

The best thing about the session was that it was like nothing that I imagined, and I was fantasizing alot.

2010-04-12T15:13:00.000-07:00

As I have told you, I have felt good about the session, but some other feelings and thoughts surfaced after my session. I felt bad because it was wrong to have the session. I felt sad because I was never going to see her again and I felt angry at her because she is accepting money. I think there are underlying reasons for the two latter feelings, but I have no idea what is going on. I felt a pure need for her service. I do not want this need to run me, so I make sure I put my interests first. Like this evening instead of checking to see if there was an email from her, I took a walk instead. Also, there were a couple times when I felt I was doing things for her. On Sunday I was exercising, and I kept thinking that I was doing it for her. I do not know what that means.

Mistress Elura said that I have great potential. I thought that was nice of her to say that. I'll be seeing her again on Wednesday the 21st.

2010-04-11T11:57:00.000-07:00

I just played God Only Knows by the Beach Boys on the piano. For me the music was an expression of how good I am feeling. My experience with Mistress Elura has transformed into a fabulous memory.

2010-04-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

Mistress Elura did finally email me, and we had our session. I was quite nervous, but she was fine with me. I got my slaps, she worked over my nipples especially with her nails and inserted me a little bit. I found it emotionally satisfying, and was surprised by what I could handle. I still think she is very nice, and I plan to see her again.

2010-04-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I did not hear from her. I called her twice and emailed her. I am disappointed. There is so much anticipation that I feel before hand. I guess I have to look for someone else again. Otherwise, I hope nothing happened to her. My number is on her phone.

2010-04-09T08:04:00.000-07:00

This is the big day with Mistress Elura. I hope everything goes well. I hope it is a good experience for me. Right now, I am quite nervous. Don't know if I am scared or what. This is very intense for me. I can scarcely believe that I am going to see her. Sometimes, it feels so unreal that I am actually doing this. I have reread her last email just to make sure I am dealing with a real person. I have called her and hope to hear from her soon. She seems very nice. I hope this works for me.

2010-03-29T17:28:00.000-07:00

I felt sad today because I considered having sex with another woman. It would break my wife's heart, but the problem is that she has been rejecting my advances for awhile. I guess we have a dysfunctional relationship. I have suggested counseling for us, but she has said no to that idea. I am really attracted to this woman at work, but I do not think any good would come from having an affair. I can handle my double life of planning to see a professional dominant, but this is too much for me.

2010-03-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

My human rights interest is taking a sudden turn in a personal direction. My organization is suffering cutbacks and possible layoffs. Yet management continues to expand hiring new executives and hiring new staff. We are fighting back and protesting the wasteful spending. A colleague and I are sending letters to our organization's board, as well as to the union and every imaginable elected official. The letters are anonymous to protect our positions. It is our hope that someone will confront our management and stop them from wrecking the organization.

2010-03-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have had a need to express myself through Goddess worship. I first experienced it in reaction to fantasies of sessions with Mistress Elura. In my mind I found myself calling out "Goddess." Now, I am looking at images of the Goddess as well as reading prose or poetry. It is quite sexual, much different than my old religion. I was raised Catholic. There are many books on Goddess worship in the library. I found one Return of the Great Goddess edited by Burleigh Muten to be helpful.

2010-03-18T18:01:00.000-07:00

This is what I had originally written to Mistress Elura. It was as close as I could get to what was going on in my head.

"I would like to schedule a session with you. I have fantasies/feelings of giving up control and learning to be obedient. My ultimate fantasy is being used by a female dominant for her use on her time. I guess that is all long range stuff if even possible, but that is what runs through my head these days.

Otherwise, I have more immediate fantasies of being slapped and hit, as well as fantasies about dildoes, NT and CBT. I am not looking to experience everything in a single session. I am just trying to give you an idea of what I am about.

I am a novice*, and I approached you once before.

So I hope you will be interested in me."

I was surprised that even my ultimate fantasy was possible to her. She said it depends on chemistry.

* I do have limited online and phone experience, but as far as being able to consciously realize my feelings (which is probably a life long pursuit) I am a novice, and I am looking forward to April 9th.

2010-03-18T17:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I decided not to dwell on the disappointment, so I spent most of last night baking cookies. My next appointment with Mistress Elura is set for April 9th in the afternoon. It's so far away, about four weeks. I have to wait until there is a day off during the week, and my wife will be working. It is also important for me to present the illusion that I am sticking to familiar habits, so I cannot make an immediate appointment after work in the evening because that ruins our routine.

I wonder about the feelings that are surfacing and wondering if I could ever feel them for my wife. I don't know. As I have mentioned earlier, we have problems with a lack of sexual intimacy. Partly because of my ED and partly because we act as if we are no more than good friends. I am also afraid of sex which inhibits my assertiveness with her, and I am also afraid of the ED as being a permanent condition, but there are pills for me to take, so hopefully maybe soon, we will take a chance.

As for my recent foray into human rights issues, I have come to realize that I am going to be nothing more than a concerned citizen. I thought being an activist or a volunteer for a human rights organization would be an easy access, but activists are salary paid positions and a volunteer is either shuffling papers in an office, or for more meaningful volunteer work you need a rersume and maybe references. I am afraid that as a librarian, there is a limit as to what skills could be transferable for a resume. So at least for the present, my interest is limited to reading, contacting my elected officials and making donations.

Mentioning reading reminde me that I am finishing Bleeding Afghanistan by Sonali Kolhatkar and James Ingalls. It is about how Afghanistan is negatively impacted by the occupation of the U.S. Getting the facts from an Afghan point of view is illuminating and disheartening for me as an American. It is a good book.

2010-03-17T13:33:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, my bad luck is continuing. Mistress Elura has a bad cold and we have to reschedule. All that excitement and anxiety for nothing.

2010-03-15T17:57:00.000-07:00

I am a little nervous about saying this. On Wednesday I have an appointment with Mistress Elura. Recently, I experienced strong feelings about female domination. So powerful, that I could not sit back and analyze the feelings, I had to act on them. I did not plan to move in this direction; it just happened. Again, I am moving outside of my relationship. If you followed the blog for awhile, you know I tried to get an S&M component into the relationship, but it did not work out, so I am turning to a professional. I do not know much about her. Other than she has a nice manner in communicating, her site and there is the possibility of realizing much of what I feel. Wish me luck.

And have a happy St. Patrick's Day.

2010-03-01T19:17:00.000-08:00

In reality the only outlet I have for my fantasies is looking at pictures. Whether it is the Femdom Museum or a blog like Her Majestys Plaything . If my need is really acute then I turn to Male Slavery which is a bit more serious.

Otherwise, I am busy. I am in the third week of my exercise program. I am watching a college level course on the pharoahs of ancient Egypt on dvd from The Teaching Company. I joined Freedom Works which is a grass roots conservative political organization. Freedom Works answered my questions and there are many issues that they present that I am in agreement. I take piano lessons, and I practice on a regular basis. I am currently reading Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States. It is amazing how bad conditions were for workers in the past.

And that's about it. I cannot post about S&M because there is no experience. I can't say more than what was said above. I will post once in awhile to let you know how I continue to move forward. The only part that is not moving is the relationship with my wife, but I am trying.

2010-02-19T10:44:00.000-08:00

Strong female domination fantasies have been rocking my world for the last two days. Strong enough that I have been thinking about seeing a professional female dominant again, and wondering why I did not go through with it in the first place.

I researched activists organizations. I found that there are hundreds of them, so I focused on those categorized by "peace." I only saw one that needed volunteers, and I have not come across any member organizations yet. They are staffed by people who are interested in the goals of the organization. They look for donations and want people to write to their politicians. Oddly enough many of them advertised employment opportunities which I did not expect in this bad economic time.

Besides feeling that I am looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack. I was disillusioned by selective information that they put out on their sites. I used key word searching in BBC News to check their facts. Specificly, it was about Darfur. One site stated that the Sudan government would not allow the UN to send a peacekeeping force into the country. This happened in 2006, and the activists still want the UN soldiers to be brought into the country, but according to the BBC, the UN was there since 2008, part of a joint force with Africans which I believe is called the African Union.

I also read more about the world. Economist magazine is becoming a favorite.

I mentioned last time that I was also more interested in myself. I think I said physical and mental health. In that regard I am using and adapting an excercise program from U. S. News and World Report which I begin tomorrow.

2010-02-15T11:32:00.000-08:00

I read an interesting book - A Woman Among Warlords by Malalai Joya. It is an autobiography about a woman from Afghanistan who raised her voice to protest the corruption and injustice to the people of Afghanistan and the plight of women in her country. I am sending her a small donation for her clinic. This direction in my feelings causes a twofold focus. One on my physical and mental health and an awareness of the world beyond my door. I am interested in understanding my country's involvement in the world especially when we seem not to care about the common people. I am interested in what governments we have overthrown and what we have put in power in the prior government's place.

It seems logical in order to choose the paths I see in front of me that I may have to become an activist myself and possibly a volunteer. I am also reading more about the world. Looking beyond The New York Times for other sources of information. The keyword search in Google News is very helpful. For example in Joya's book I read about torture in Turkey. I knew I had not been aware of that in my regular news reading, so I tried Google News and found a little information about the Turkey police.

Otherwise, I find at the moment that I am quite comfortable with my sexual feelings whether I am having fantasies about oral sex and intercourse or I am having domination and feminization fantasies.

2010-02-10T16:28:00.000-08:00

The affirmations did help me to develop strong sexual feelings instead of whatever I felt when feminizing, and though I have back slid a couple times into strong feminizing feelings, I have managed to maintain the sexual desire of wanting a woman. Also, I have not had feelings of arousal during the feminizing fantasies. It just is not there. I have fantasies (almost constantly) of kissing and touching women including my wife. I hope that relations between my wife and me will improve. I mean, we do things together. We went to lunch today and we saw an orchestra perform recently, so we get along, but we are not intimate. At least I am thinking of what needs to be done inside the relationship.

2010-01-29T18:21:00.000-08:00

I am doing affirmations again because I was wondering if it is possible to bring the feminine element into my life without feminizing myself, so I have been fantasizing about kissing women. This has led to sexual fantasies. Boy! What I have done with my coworkers! I am also focusing on the women in the magazines who have lipstick or nice outfits or are wearing jewelry because I still want to have contact with what I formerly wanted to wear. I do not know if this is working or not. I have only been doing it for a day, and it is work, so I do not know if I will sustain the effort or not, or if I will be overwhelmed by my feelings again. I did watch part of BBC America's program on transvestites tonight. It was about men who have been accepted by their partners. I felt some interest, and I also have shown some interest in RuPaul's new show that has been advertised, but will see which direction I move in. I just take one day at a time.

2010-01-27T17:33:00.000-08:00

This is sad for me because I feel like I am saying good bye to behavior that mattered to me. I do not know if it is true for the long run, but for the last few days I have not sought feminization through my use of web sites, magazines and lipstick. Looking at transvesites seemed wrong, the women's magazines I am only appreciating for the beauty of the models and applying lipstick just seemed like extra work. I have no idea where this different attitude came from. I know that my mood has been changeable lately, so I do not know how much I can rely on this ending. I am not disposing of anything.

However, I am dealing with the change in that now I only have my personal ambitions to continue to develop. The affection towards my wife, exercising, playing the piano and cooking. That is my foundation for an uncertain future. I cannot see where this direction will take me.

2010-01-22T10:54:00.000-08:00

Nothing is resolved. Everything is about the same. I feel I must express my feminine side somehow. The feelings are very strong. I feel in withdrawal when I do not have a chance to express myself. My wife is gone, and so I am wearing my red lipstick. We were out shopping this morning and I was looking at women's clothing. The store had nice blouses that would look nice with a necklace. I want to eventually buy myself some clothes. There will be a two-week period in April when I will be by myself and I will be able to experiment with clothing, skin care products and perfumes.

I have not had much of a reason to punish myself or to seek someone to do it for me.

2010-01-18T20:20:00.000-08:00

I looked at a photo spread in Allure magazine of models in cute cocktail dresses with guys. I imagined that I was each of the women touching these men, but later in the day I was not interested at all. I am also finding that becoming closer to my wife means that I am less interested in seeing a mistress. I feel bad when I am with my wife even though I want to have a session with a mistress. I hope some day to get to a point where I am not split in two.

2010-01-17T17:28:00.000-08:00

I am in a changeable state of mind. Now because I worked hard on a project today cooking and baking, and now as a reslut of my effort I do not need to feminize or go to Mistress Elura. The feelings for that are still there and the feelings are strong, so I am not making any sudden move this time. Too bad she gave up on me.

2010-01-17T02:08:00.000-08:00

It disturbs me to change the name back. I feel like I have lost something. VR has given up on me.

2010-01-17T02:04:00.000-08:00

I bought my lipstick today and my magazines. It felt premature, but I had been thinking about it alot. I needed the lipstick. It helps me to feel so feminine. I'm going to have to change back the name of this blog.

2010-01-16T14:05:00.000-08:00

I think I am doing okay right now. I experienced very strong feelings for the feminization and corporal punishment yesterday, and had to say okay to accept them. I am having strong fantasies of emasculation and feminization today with punishing myself through slaps to my face and abusing my nipples hard. This change back only took about a week. It leaves me a little confused with the speed of the transition. I am thinking again of seeing Mistress Elura.

I still work on my self improvement though. At this point I am not sure if one has anything to do with the other.

2010-01-13T19:41:00.000-08:00

I was kind of startled this morning realizing that I did not have a need to be punished. I checked, I tried different scenarios in my mind, but there was no interest, only perhaps a little annoyance. The need to feminize was strong today though. I wanted to feel lipstick on my lips. I wanted to buy my Marie Claire magazine.

Yesterday, I received a polite note from Mistress Elura thanking me for sending my cancellation notice. I felt a little sad that our encounter was not going to happen. She seemed like a regular person, someone I would have wanted to meet. I have to figure out what to do with the $500 I saved for sessions. I think it would look a little unusual to deposit in one lump amount. I am slowly adding it to what we spend. Soon, I will not be hiding anything except this blog. which I think is okay.

As for my ambitions, I am continuing with a basic plan of improved posture, exercise and eating fresh fruit. Maintaining the basics helps give me other ideas. I donated a small amount for someone's farewell party at work this Friday with plans to attend. I am nervous because I am not one of his friends, but it will be good for me to go to socialize a little. I am also trying to figure ways I can have more contact with my friends and relatives.

My wife is a hard nut to crack (I think that's the expression). I have already been told that after kissing her once in the evening and once the following morning, not to overdo the affection, but I did manage a hug the other day. I do not really know what I am doing, but doing something has to be better for us than doing nothing.

2010-01-11T19:22:00.000-08:00

This morning I had a problem. My mind became flooded with images of feminization, corporal punishment and being splattered with semen. It was when I had quiet moments when I was not really thinking of anything. I countered by using self-affirmation images of kissing my wife. Eventually, the intensity diminished. Later in the day I experienced more kink, but it was experienced as feelings so I had the choice to indulge or not. I am confused. I do not think that absolute limits eliminating all kink would work for me, yet I do not want to be in the same spot I was in a couple days ago. It is beginning to feel desirable to be there though. In the long run nothing is easy. It made me feel good, and it occupied alot of time too. I don't know what to do with my free time. It is like being an ex-smoker. :) I know that I was only involved for a short while, but I had plans for the future, and now that space is empty. I still have that feeling that I don't know what I am doing. Oh okay, what I think I am doing is trying to focus on my life more, rather than trying to escape from it which is what I almost accomplished. That is a good goal. Sorry, if it takes me awhile to get clear on what I want to say to you as well as to me. I feel better now.

I also wanted you to know that I am trying to be more affectionate to my wife. I went to kiss her tonight and all she offered was her cheek. I know it will take time, and somehow I have to get her to try too. I am not a great communicator. I am the quiet type, but this is important. Sigh, I am going to have to open up to my therapist. She talks too much, but once in awhile she has a good point to make.

Oh, and I did cancel the appointment with Mistress Elura. I had mixed feelings about it. I had thought about seeing a female dominant for years, and I came so close to realizing that dream, but there just was not any need. There is no reason to do the slut training or to get hit. It just isn't there. I am also in the process of getting rid of my women's magazines and my lipsticks are going out too. I don't think I need them any more.

2010-01-10T17:25:00.001-08:00

Not exactly a great change in blog title, but I wanted a bridge between the past and the present. I find I still have issues. I desire to be controlled. I don't know why, but I find it appealing. I am not going to seek a loss of self control because I do not think I can get there, if I am not acting out the feminization and the corporal punishment. I also desired to put clothspins on my nipples today, so I guess there is still some masochism at play here. I did not have a need to do it though. I just took notice of my feelings. I am very aware of my feelings. It is easier to make choices. I have not yet canceled my appointment with Mistress Elura, but I do not feel like doing anything with her. I think I just need a little more clarity in my thought. I find I have a need to make changes in my life, and I am changing slowly. If I overload myself, I won't accomplish anything, and I'll be back to God knows what.

I am behaving a little more aggressively than I normally would. I am trying to make better choices for myself. I had a good walk today, practiced the piano, ate some fruit with lunch and was helpful with cooking and taking down Christmas decorations. I also watched my posture as I tend to slouch or bend forward. This is a beginning. There are more important issues. I could socialize better and there are problems in my marriage. Looking at where I was at a couple days ago, I suppose it is not too difficult to imagine problems. There is a lack of intimacy between us. Brought on by my ED, and not seeking solutions for it until lately. I also think that I am ready to work within the relationship now.

I find it very strange that my knowledge of what I was trying to get from my parents, popped out of my unconscious at the exact moment when I needed that information, which stopped me from changing into a gay transvesite. It is amazing that was a choice for me. Maybe I was trying to control myself by limiting if not eliminating who I am. I think I still have a little bit of that in me, but it is only a small part of myself. I do not need to make it a major part that dominates everything else. I think, right now anyway.

2010-01-09T12:49:00.000-08:00

I feel differently today. What meant so much only a day or so ago is more subdued now. It is not necessary now to feminize myself. I still identify closely with my mother. I doubt that will change, but I can experience her differently. For example I was listening and singing to a song that I heard her sing while growing up, and it made me feel good. I am thinking of canceling the appointment with the Mistress. It does not feel necessary anymore. I thought that I could carry on with my kinks, that what I learned would not stay conscious, but the feeling is there, and I have to stay true to myself. I am not trying to move too fast, but I am changing. I know longer need Ms. D's site, and I have no interest in turning gay. I am not quite ready, but I'll need to take my name back, and I'll probably have to change the name of this blog. It is strange not being so masochistic. I defined myself as such for a long time, and now I have to create, live and practice a new reality. I will continue to post, but I realize that this change in perspective may not be of interest to many or all of you, so I wanted to take a minute and thank you for reading and for your comments.

2010-01-08T19:44:00.000-08:00

I have come to understand my psychology (or my inner mind). I identify closer with my mother than my father. I did not really learn to be like him. The only way I can approach him is through my mother. I want to be my mother so that I can be his lover. I think that is why I want to be feminine and why I am interested in guys. Maybe, that is why I want to be hit. When I fantasize, I am dealing with something that is forbidden for me to know. I think this is going to put a damper on things.

2010-01-08T07:12:00.000-08:00

I have felt so much guilt for moving in a feminine direction, but I am moving ahead. This is what has been happening lately. I feel feminine more of the time now. I have grown more comfortable with my feelings for men. I have started to read sexy romantic novels where the female is seduced by a strong male. I bought a Shakira CD because it was described as being very feminine and she sings about men. I have been looking at store web sites for women's clothing and jewelry. I've changed my name to dani. Miss D called me that name. It seems more feminine than any name I would normally use. I am also thinking about practicing with a dildo. It has been on my mind for a few weeks now. I suppose the slut training would eventually address its usage anyway. I am also maintaining a chaste state right now eliminating male orgasms, at least for awhile.

2010-01-03T13:25:00.001-08:00

Miss D's feminization site is beginning to mean much to me because it is a good outlet for my feminine feelings.

2010-01-03T12:59:00.000-08:00

The appointment with Mistress Elura is set for January 21st. It is set so far ahead because it is the first day I have off while my wife works, so I have freedom for myself that day.

As for my wife, I mentioned recently that I hoped that one day we may be able to get some BDSM counseling. Even though I would welcome that possibility, the truth is that I was saying that more for you than me. Some of you are in relationships, and I felt may frown upon my kinky adventure outside of my relationship. I wanted to stay honest with you. In saying that I also wanted to say that I appreciated MissBonnie's comment.

I find that when I feel strongly about something, I have to make some movement in that direction. Though, I am also interested in working on issues in our relationship. Sometimes, my feelings get confused working on the two different directions especially when the feelings just seem to overlap. Like feeling very feminine and wanting a guy, and then just as suddenly feeling masculine and rejecting that feeling. We will see what the future brings.

2009-12-31T07:10:00.000-08:00

Well, after two duds, I have connected with a Mistress Elura whom I hope to see in a January session. She seems okay.

My female side is really strong these days. I indulged myself and bought a few more lipsticks and have been reading and looking at a variety of women's magazines such as Glamour, Cosmopolitan and Harper's Bazaar. I enjoy reading about makeup, hair, relationships and sex. When I look at the woman on the cover, I feel that I want to be her, and that is erotic for me, and though it is a little difficult to handle, I am having fantasies about being with men. Thinking about men has been coming up more often since I have been feeling more feminine lately. After a male fantasy, I usually feel bad and on a couple occasions I felt humiliated, but I do not want to stop being feminine. When I wear lipstick, I feel complete. I even go out sometimes with lipstick on or at least carry one with me.

2009-12-23T13:54:00.000-08:00

It did not work out. I found her to be disorganized. Not there when she told me to call, did not call me back and was not immediately aware of our appointment. Plus, she could not get the play space. I do not think much of her as a business person.

So, I went to Max Fisch's listing of dominants, and picked a Lady Jessica Sovreign. She has 15 years experience and speaks about nurturing and long-term training regiments. I do not know if that is possible for me, but at least if she accepts me, I think I will be in better hands.

I still do think about practicing S&M with my wife. I have not forgotten her in these plans, but as someone said on the Collar N Cuffs site, it is difficult to bring someone over to S&M when they do not have a kink background.

The thought in my head these days is that maybe in the long run I will be able to get a dominant to help me by being a counselor for my wife and me.

Again have a Merry Christmas! Have a wonderful holiday!

2009-12-18T13:23:00.000-08:00

I have not had my session yet, but I have budgeted the money. I am the bookkeeper, so I have been able to hide what I am doing. I have mixed feelings about what I am doing. I never knew that guilt could be such a powerful feeling, but I also have strong feelings for seeing a domina, and I do not think that I am the first husband to move in this direction.

I picked a woman who handles various fantasies/fetishes, and who also spoke about truly liking to break men down and corrupt their minds so that after awhile they are only good as servants or slaves. That enticed me. Giving up control is erotic for me, at least the thought of it anyway. Miss Starr once explained that the personal information that I had previously posted could be used to control me, so I will probably try to give her appropriate informaation like that I was very close to my mother that being why I feel feminine.

She is not that easy to contact however. I have to leave a message on her phone and she will call back. I have not had that much privacy for return messages.

I have given thought about what areas should be explored by her and me. I have strong feminine feelings that I think can go beyond applying lipstick so I think that crossdressing would be my direction. Plus, I want to feel some pain. I want to be paddled and caned and have my nipples tortured. That would probably be a good beginning for me.

I think that at least in my case it has been impossible to deny myself.

Thank you for staying with the blog. It is appreciated. I hope you are all well, and wish you a Merry Christmas!

2009-11-27T18:26:00.000-08:00

I have decided to book a session with a professional dominatrix. I want to move in that direction. It is important for me to experience my desires. I understand that I will be keeping a secret from my wife as well as diverting funds from our savings. I do not have much of a choice. I cannot practice S&M with my wife. That effort reached a dead end, and I have a need to be myself, at least once.

2009-07-13T14:11:00.000-07:00

We are at a standstill. My wife stopped reading the book, and I made less of an effort on my part. I don't know when we will make progress again or when I will post. I wanted to thank you for reading and for your support.

2009-06-29T17:19:00.000-07:00

Uniquely Rika has a survey in the beginning of the book. One section listed favorite activities like whipping, clamps, wax, etc. I picked most of them. I forgot about the list until she began to read the book. She was shocked by my choices. She ridiculed me and told me to read the bible. She kept laughing about it. I became excited thinking about the list and thought about a response, "No you do not have to whip me, I could see someone else for that." Neither the excitement or the response was voiced by me. I am not a great communicator, and it is difficult for me to be so vulnerable, but I am sure there will be more opportunities for me to talk to her.

2009-06-24T19:16:00.000-07:00

I am too anxious to write. She is slowly reading the book, and I am answering questions where appropriate. I feel very vulnerable because it is about who I am. For example, I had to explain what beck and call meant to her. And of course my old fears of facing change come into play.

Putting the masochism on the back burner is okay. The feelings are mostly dormant anyway. I do not know what I would use to become excited. I occasionally still think of seeing a pro domme. I do not think that I would hide the interest. I would seek my wife's approval. How? That is something I think about from time to time. Maybe, she could come to understand the need. Maybe, I could compare it to physical therapy. Anyway, there is plenty of time to think about it.

2009-06-23T06:09:00.000-07:00

I do not think that we are going to have an immediate change in our relationship where I am doing more of the work around here than her. I want to. I enjoy cleaning up while she is sitting down talking to someone. I want to serve her, and make her life easier, but I am not sure that she is going to let me, at least not immediately.